Friends or lovers?

Both, please.

One thing that I’ve learned to identify as a marker of GREAT RELATIONSHIPS is the ability of partners to be friends with each other. More than a decade into my work as a marriage and family therapist, and I can remember each and every one of the couples that made an indelible impression on my memory bank, and all of them had one thing in common: their friendship.

Truth be told, I’m not the only couples therapist who has noticed this detail. The Gottmans have spent decades researching what makes or breaks relationships, and they have concluded the same. They have identified deep friendship as the foundation of a great relationship. And what do friends do? They laugh together, a lot. They appreciate each other. They are patient and respectful, and have a high regard for each other as individuals. There is a shared intimacy that underlies their connection.

I’ve been in relationships where I would not have said that my partner was my best friend; I can say the same thing for my first marriage. There was nothing inherently wrong with this. Now, however, I can tell you that being in a marriage and relationship where I have a profound friendship with my partner, there is a significant difference.

Disagreements are seldom taken seriously, and fights are seldom present, and there is a surplus of shared laughter. But when there are disagreements, we feel better equipped to deal with the disconnection. It’s hard to keep two magnets apart for long —that is how I would describe couples who are also friends. They tend to gravitate towards each other constantly (in a healthy way). Most importantly, there is a very thorough understanding of who each partner is as individuals. There is a constant sharing of life stories, of emotions, of thoughts. There is curiosity from each partner to learn more about who their partner is as a person outside of the relationship. When you are able to have such a holistic picture of who your partner is; it’s going to be infinitely easier to see the nuances in the challenges that you both encounter in the relationship, and bring empathy into your emotional connection.

If you need a little bit of a prompt to figure out how much of a friendship foundation you have in your relationship, try out the following questions:

— How would you describe your partner as a person?

— What traits do you value, and admire, the most about your partner?

— What would you like your partner to admire and value about you?

— What do you feel is needed for your partner to be a true friend for you?

Ideally, you would share these answers with your partner in a calm moment where you both are able to listen to each other with curiosity and intention.
I hope that they lead to a caring conversation on how to connect more deeply and intentionally with each other.